10 Days of Illuminating Darkness

Darkness has a bad rep.  Most of us look at the color black and see nothing useful or pleasant about its essence.  We usually think of evil, fear, hatred, and loneliness as we peer down a dark alley or sit in an unlit room.  As a kid, I used to put my younger sister in a bathroom, turn off the lights, close the door shut, and yell Bloody Mary.  She loved it, of course.  But why is it that when we can't see what is in front of us, we suddenly panic and think we are in great danger?  Why is the darkness so forboding in our minds?  It was this very question that sparked my curiousity enough to convince myself that spending 10 days in total darkness was a great idea.  Little did I know what awaited me in the nothingness.

Now, most of us can't really wrap our brains around being in darkness for 10 days, so just think about what it feels like to be blind folded.  Now extend that experience to 240 hours of seeing nothing with your eyes.  Easy right?  For me, the first three days were just that...easy.   They flew by, while I practiced yoga, meditation, and pranayama; ate great  food, and slept a whole lot.  But soon my body's chemical make-up began to drastically change and my mind began one of the greatest wars against me.

But before I get into that, let me just say that if you are going to go into a retreat like this, it is incredibly important that you have a reliable and understanding facilitator.   This wonderful person brings you your food, cleans up if things need cleaning up, and listens if you need to talk to someone.  I was blessed to have an incredibly giving woman, who was very patient and loving, especially during the times that I really struggled mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Let me paint the picture of these struggles for you before I get to the good stuff.

Every dark room is different but this one seemed custom-made to force me to get through my biggest mental challenges.  First off, it is important to know where everything is before you turn off that light.  There is no turning it back on to find things, and many times I became frustrated with misplacing things, tripping over my own feet, and really having to do things for myself through blind eyes.  That, within itself, is a great lesson not so easily learned.

The room had no toilet or shower.  I had a separate pee bucket and pooped in a compost bucket, which was nicely placed under a wooden contraption that you sat on.  Each one had a top that would help keep the room odorless, but the increased sharpness of my sense of smell never seemed to jive with the moments when I had to remove the top to these buckets.  And God forbid if your aim was to miss these buckets, because only your sense of touch could guide you to your 'fallen friends .' Believe me, it wasn't pretty.   And when I got a parasite on Day 4 (very normal in Guatemala), I was visiting the poo factory 3 or 4 times a day.  Nothing I ate wanted to stay inside of me, and every time I opened the bucket, my mind would scream, 'Let's get the hell out of here you arrogant piece of $·$**%!'  But, no no, I was not going to allow ANYTHING to force me out.  And the challenges kept coming.

The shower was a large bucket that you stood in.  Then you would pull this hula hoop off the wall that had a shower curtain wrapped around it and you would put the hoop over your head.  Once the curtain was totally around you, you would stick the bottom of the curtain inside the bucket to make sure no water spilled out.  Above you was this solar heated, water container that had a small spout.  The trouble was if you were standing in the bucket, this container thing would be pressing against your face and  almost daring you to try to keep your balance, which was not so easy in the dark (with your eyes practically closed).  So I'd have to squat in the bucket to make sure I never ran the risk of falling outside the bucket and taking the whole little contraption crashing down to the floor with me.  Needless to say, I did not shower everyday. 

 I remember wailing in grief to the heavens one night for what seemed like an eternity and really had no idea why I was crying so hard.  It felt like these deep layers of fear and pain were being released from my body, much like the first time I did a cacao ceremony months before.  But at the end of all the sorrow and pain, I felt a much deeper connection not only to myself but to my higher power.

As I laid down on my yoga mat one night, a little friend of mine wrapped itself around my neck and stung me.  I am pretty certain it was a scorpion but will never know, because  not even that forced me to turn the light on or run screaming from the room.  There was this one fly that kept buzzing around my head all day and sometimes would come down and bite me.  Very strange.  I called it the Lord of the Flies.  There was also this strange, creepy noise that would come from one corner of the room.  It sounded like a small, baby dragon trying to scare off some predator.  I still have no idea where it came from.   

By Day 4, I had intense diarrea, a pounding headache, and every time I tried to move my body,  I ended up right back on my bed because moving became rather unpleasant. I was forced to slow down and do nothing most of the day & night and really had  no idea what time it was.  My mind kept attacking me and begging me to let us out of the room.  And most of the time I had to find the humor in the whole situtaion to overcome my mind's onslaught of negative thoughts and somehow keep my peace & sanity.

This continued through Day 7, and although the diarrea hadn't yet ended, something was released in my mind that completely began to take this experience in a whole new direction.  Some call it DMT, but I honestly have no idea what it was, but know it was my saving grace that made the whole experience well worth it in retrospect.  As a side note, most people only do 3 day retreats, because our minds and bodies are not prepared to handle the challenges that accompany a longer stay in the darkness.  Many yogis train their minds and bodies for such an experience many months & years ahead of time.  Perhaps I should have looked into this more before boldly throwing myself into the darkness for so long, but honestly, I have no regrets about the decision.

Now, onto the good stuff!  As you pretty much have no sensual stimulation  for so long (especially visually), your imagination begins to take you to whole new levels of thought and visualizations.  During the four days where I mostly laid on my bed or the hammock, my imagination was what saved me from my own mind.  I saw some incredible visualizations that sparked many inspiring ideas in my mind.   I had conversations with different people and so-called imaginary friends- the Pink Panther and the 7 Dwarfs became frequent visitors in my little world.

But what I began to discover was that I could either sit in this darkness and see it for what I thought it was or I could fill it in with beauty, colors, friends, you name it!  One of my favorite moments was when I  was in Willy Wonka's Chocolote Factory and began dancing with the Oompa-Loompas and singing their little song.  I felt like a child again, free to believe what I wanted and free to create my own reality.

And then it hit me.   I had forgotten this inner power somehow.  I had spent so many years of my life trusting and only relying on my senses that I forgot that there is a great big world beyond them.  A world that we can create.  A world that is just as real as the one we think is the real world.  I began to ask myself, 'What is truly real?'  And I had found my answer one day during lunch with  Happy, Sneezy, Doc, and the rest of those adorable little men.  I yelled in great delight to Grumpy, 'I decide what is REAL.  I have total control over my reality!' And for the first time, Grumpy smiled at me and nodded his head.

It felt like I had just released a great big bag of bowling balls off my shoulders.  Like Peter Pan, I was free to fly.  But deep down inside I knew none of this would matter if I didn´t take this with me into the light.  It's one thing being in the nurturing darkness of acceptance, without limitations, but it is a whole other thing  bringing this freedom to the light, where your senses and the world around you try to remind you that none of it is real.  That it is all just a figment of our deceptive imagination.  And this is what we tell our children, robbing them of the greatest gift we have all been given.

There's this story of a young boy.  His parents have just brought home his newborn baby brother and are a bit worried about how he will react to this new addition to the family.  And that same night, the young boy makes his way to his baby brother's room, followed closely behind by his mother, who quietly waits and listens outside of the room.  The boy leans over his brother's crib and whispers, 'Tell me about where we come from, because I'm starting to forget.'  Indeed, the older we get, the more we forget our greatest gifts, the more we forget our perfection and ability to create everything in our lives.  The darkness reminded me of  this, and I can't express how grateful I am for this priceless reminder.

The scorpion became my greatest ally and friend Scorpo.  The Lord of the Flies became my little, fairy friend who would give me advice and whisper sweet messages into my ear.  Everything that bothered me in the beginning began to transform into pleasantry, and it all was made possible by my strong belief that I was the Master of my Creative Kingdom.

I felt so many moments of great peace and calmess as I sat in the darkness those last few days.  I began to feel at home, almost like I was back in my mother's womb, protected, safe, and unconditionally loved.  I had entered the room as young Simba and was ready to go back into the world as a grown lion, with a whole new perspective, ready to help bring salvation to my great, big family through the wisdom & peace of the darkness.

And as I opened the door at the end of the 10th day and walked back out into this great beautiful world, I realized it had forever changed in my eyes.  Yes, I was extremely grateful to be able to see all the colors, plants, and incredible sights all around me, but it was the eyes of my heart that really brought me to my knees in one of the most unforgettable moments of pure bliss, happiness, and immense gratitude I had ever experienced.  

For the blackness taught me to walk through my life with integrity and love, to walk with impeccability beating through my heart, to trust in the invisible world around me.  It taught me to look at the world in every given moment through the vision of the wisest pair of eyes this world has to offer: the innocent, pure, loving eyes of a child.                                                                

 

Life's Ladder of Unquenchable Desire

5 Months have quietly passed by since the last time I wrote- jumping from one silence retreat to another, spending 10 days alone in a pitch dark room, and making best friends with a Tree, whose delicious fruits give man immortal life.  At this point, most of you are wondering if you should even read the rest of this post.  Dark rooms? Silence retreats?  Imaginary Trees?!  Certainly I have lost my mind and entered the twilight zone.  My friends, you are absoluletly right!  But like every truth this silly universe of ours has to offer, this statement is only half the truth.  What does it mean to lose one's mind or enter the twilight zone anyway?  Could this actually be a 'good thing?'  Give me a few more minutes of your time, as I attempt to give you a glimpse of the bliss that exists beyond this heavily-veiled illusion we like to call our life. 

Before I dive into all this, perhaps I should give you a bit of background on how I began to lose my mind.  Just a few short months ago, I began the study of the Kabbalah and the Tree of Life (whose proper study includes a number of other systems, which need not be mentioned at this time).  In a simple nutshell, study and meditation on the Tree of Life is meant to raise your consciousness, to give you a different perspective on our existence, to bring light to the mysteries of how this crazy, little world of ours was created and continues to be created.  

But I am not here to praise the Kabbalah or the Tree, nor will I bore you with the details of every lesson I learned along the way.  Because the truth is that no matter what words I use, it is merely impossible to transfer the understanding and experience of this journey through language.  Therefore, my purpose in this short time is to attempt to share my understanding with you in a way that might plant a tiny seed in your heart.  And it is my greatest hope that this little, bitty seed may grow into the most beautiful tree the world has ever seen inside of you.

But enough chit chat, let us begin this adventure.  Without further ado....Ladies and Gents, I give you Life's Ladder of Unquenchable Desire.  

I'd like for you to picture this ladder... it has its roots in the Earth and soars up through the clouds and way way way beyond our limited vision.  It doesn't matter what color the ladder is or what it looks like.  Now, go ahead and place 99.99999999999% of the world's population on this ladder (you may need to make it a tiny bit bigger).  This is the ladder of desire, but not just any kind of desire...insatiable desire.  The type of desire that only leads to more desire and more desire.. and.. you get my point.   Picture yourself somewhere on this ladder.  People are climbing over you, stepping on you, clawing at you, while you equally return the favor to others.  The temperature and air pressure rise as you get higher and higher from the Earth's surface.  You're not exactly sure why you continue to climb, but you have this unquestionable certainty that when you get to the top of this thing, you will experience the greatest happiness and have everything you ever wanted in life.

But the one thing we are shockingly blind to is the fact that this ladder is the universe's greatest joke.  Because not only does this tireless climb lead us further from our happiness but it also has no end.  I need to repeat this... the ladder is infinite... there is no top to it!  No matter how much we attain or accomplish in this life, we will ALWAYS want to get to the next rung.  There will ALWAYS be someone who has done a little more than we have or is just a little more talented or has a tiny fraction more than us.  And we will feel this need to continue to climb until no one is below us---until our sacred little toes are stuffed in the mouth of the person in 2nd place.  And at that very moment we will be satisfied... we will have everything we want... we will be the happiest we have ever been... and we will be remembered and revered for climbing so high forever and ever and ever.

'If I could just sell one more house... if I could just win one more academy award...if I could just be the CEO...if I could just get married and have the three children I was meant to have... if I could just find my soulmate... if I could just get my PHD so people would respect my ideas...if I could just have a little more than I have!  THEN, I will be satisfied... shit, I'm running out of time!'  

We are so focused on getting and attaining things in this life that we miss the whole purpose.  Who is it we really want to BE?!  And why do we really want all this?  And how is attaining it making the world a little bit better than it was when you first arrived on it?  Wait... the world?  What does the world have to do with any of this?  Hello?!  You really think you were 'sent' here to pop out babies, attend college so you can be thousands of dollars in debt, work in a cubicle 8 hours a day, earn recognition for your work, buy the car of your dreams, and then lay on your death bed as you finally realize you could have done it all differently?

I know, that's really depressing, but why must we wait until the 11th hour to discover that our little feet were put on this Earth for a reason that goes beyond everything we find important.  Who do you want to BE?  What do you really want to experience? And how can you bring those two together to really make a positive impact in the world?

I need to take a step back and give you some examples here.   Wouldn't you think that someone like Michael Jackson would have been happy?  After all the albums he sold, the worldwide recognition, the awards, the money... the world at his fingertips.  I wasn't kidding when I said the higher you climb, the more pressure you feel and the lonlier it gets.  Michael Jackson was one of the most ambitious people the world had ever seen, and yes, he made some huge, positive impacts on the world, but at what expense?

He felt that he had to change everything about himself so the world would love him.  But no change was ever enough, no amount of success was enough.  And at one point we grow so tired of climbing, that we let go, and fall to our seeming deaths.  Michael Jackson, I reckon, was one of the most unhappiest people in the world when he died.  And believe me, none of what he had accomplished in his life, could possibly have saved him from the shambles of his inner life.

MJ is an extreme example, but you see the microcosm in many people's lives.  The ballet dancer in the movie 'Black Swan' that would go so far as to sacrifice her own life to have that one moment of pure love and adoration screaming from the audience, as she took her final bow.  How far we will go to earn love and acceptance- not only from others but more importantly from ourselves- how much more money must we earn to feel worthy---how many more things must we own to feel rich, safe and secure? 

We feel we are nobodies for the majority of our life and with every rung we climb to help fill that void, we can never quite find the missing piece... the saving grace.  Many of us grow weary of climbing and just stop at one point and go through the motions of life.  The teacher with great potential and passion that has grown resentful and forgotten why he began to teach in the first place.  The psychiatrist who has lost his way and become second fiddle to tiny, white illusions that numb our pain. The once famous entertainer that drinks herself to sleep every night, wishing she could get one more moment in the limelight.  The gay church leader who has sacrificed his own happiness and identity to make a very good living in a place that would immediately turn its back on him if the truth surfaced.  The truth!  The truth.  Why, this is our saving grace.

If we could just walk in our truth in every moment of our lives, we could have the faith to let go of this illusory ladder and all it promises us and fall, gracefully and happily,  into the white net waiting for us at the bottom.  Where we could walk freely and comfortably upon the heart of our mother earth.  Where we could use our passions and gifts to melt into the ONE path that brings lasting happiness not only to ourselves but to every single thing that we touch. We all experience this path differently but instead of separating ourselves from each other, we cannot help to see ourselves in the eyes of everyone that walks with us.  I'm not suggesting that you forget your individuality and become a monk.  Rather, I'm simply suggesting that you walk in your truth and live your life with integrity.  What do I mean by this?

I mean not being a slave to your environment, to the material/physical world, to your endless desires.  If you are an actor and believe a certain company serves food that has brought a lot of suffering to the world, then why would you be a face in their commercial, even if they offered you 3 million dollars?  Why not focus on projects that actually use your acting talents to bring more awareness to the world, even if the pay check and recognition wasn't as glamorous?  Why do you act?  So your face can grace the television screen in useless drivle or so you can tell stories and help better the lives of others through these stories? 

 Why would you teach at a university whose soul purpose is to grow richer and hand out results that are seemingly useless?  Why would you continue to do things in your life that harm our planet after watching a documentary that educates you on what actions we can take to help our environment?  Why should we ever do anything for only the money... or the recognition... or adoration from others?  Think about the freedom and inner strength you could find if you took these loose, heavy chains that are around your arms and legs, and threw them to the ground, spread your little wings, and flew. 

When we give ourselves this freedom, we realize there is no limit to what we can do or what we can create.  You guys, we have a huge responsiblity as to what kind of influence we put out into this world.  Every thought we have, every word that is uttered through our lips, every action we take has an incredibly lasting influence on the world around us and inside of us.  We are greatly powerful beings who could change this world in a matter of seconds if we all really woke up to the 'heaven' that is knocking at our door- the zone of twinkling twilight that exists right here on earth.  And we can experience this bliss...together.  I promise you it exists.  I am sitting in it right now.  I am breathing in its beauty and flapping my wings to the air.

You may find yourself on this ladder without a way to truly let it go-  in debt or trapped in a job so you can pay your mortgage or feed your children.  Some of us will not be able to simply let go so quickly.  There are many other options.  You just need to ask within and be open to a change in your life and suddenly you will find small glowing steps, leading you down, one step at a time, back to the path of integrity and truth, back to a path that reminds you of why you were brought here.  And this path will provide you with everything you will ever desire in the material sense (money, food, respect, love, you name it.)

And you will look up at this Ladder of Unquenchable Desire and feel deep empathy for those still blindly climbing it.  And a sense of freedom will bring water to your eyes, as you finally realize that everything you ever wanted was in a place where you least expected to find it.  And you will chuckle to yourself because you, my friend, my brother, my sister, my reflection, my one and only Self, have seemingly lost your little mind.